Play: A Memorable Camping Trip. (v1)

This is version one of my first play A Memorable Camping Trip. You can find version 2 here.

Enjoy!
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A father and son are going on a camping trip in late November. Andrew, the father, is forcing his drug-addict son, Joseph, to come on this trip. They start off in the opening scene in a car.

Joseph

[in a groan] Dad, why do we have to go camping? It’s gonna be an awful week and you made me leave my ‘stash at home.

Andrew

I made you leave it at home, because Nicole and I love you when you’re not sitting in a hospital bed, going through detoxification and later wind up in a coffin, buried 6 feet under. That costs us money, and we’d rather just see you stop now, or die now. We can still make this a fun camping trip. Just perk up and you’ll have a great time with your old man.

Joseph

[Joseph snorts]

Old man is an understatement…

Andrew

[Andrew pays close attention to the road and doesn’t quite catch his son’s comment]
What did you say?

Joseph

I said: old man is an understatement…

[Joseph pulls out his cell phone out of his right pocket and starts texting friends]

Andrew

[Andrew ignores his son’s comment, snatches the cell phone and shoves it in his own left pocket]

This is a father-son trip, so I don’t want you to use, look, think, or even think about thinking about using your phone, got it? We’ll have a great time.

[Joseph snorts]

They arrive at the camping ground at dusk and park in a small area covered in dirt. To the right, a crude sign that reads “Camp here” leans against a slightly charred evergreen. There’re a few tied up black garbage bags partially hidden by a group of trees. An awful spell emits from them. In the clearing, old, dirty sleeping bags and a ripped up tent are set up around a smoldering fire.

Joseph

What the hell is this?! This is like a murder scene! There’s no way I’m staying here for a whole week. I’d rather hitchhike with a pedophile then stay in this wasteland you call a camping ground.

Andrew

Relax, you’ll have a great time. Besides, this was the cheapest area I could rent. The Italian-looking fellow practically begged me to rent it. Someday, when you learn the value of a dollar, you’ll see me as wise for finding a luxurious camping ground like this for only $5 a day.

Joseph

[Joseph pulls on the sign labeled “Camp here” and it comes apart in his hands]

You’ve gotta be kidding. [He reaches into his pocket] I’ll give you $50 if we can just go home. I bet they use this spot for nuclear missile testing, because there’s not a soul for miles. And if there’s any around, they’re in those garbage bags.

Andrew

This will help you build character. Now help me clear out these tents and sleeping bags so we can set up our own. We’ll have a blast, just wait and see. [He approaches the used equipment]

Joseph

[Joseph tugs on the tent, giving it several more rips before throwing it away]
Dad, it’s snowing.

Andrew

[Andrew throws away the last sleeping bag and turns to Joseph]

Don’t just stand there then. Grab the tent out of the trunk and start setting it up. I’ll grab the sleeping bags.
[Joseph gives an irritated sigh and heads to the trunk of the car]
All you need is a smart remark, and we’re in business.

Joseph

Sorry dad. But why couldn’t Crazy Uncle Larry go camping with you? He loves the woods.

Andrew

[Andrew joins Joseph at the trunk and starts to pull out a sleeping bag]

Because we can’t find him, and there’s a warrant for his arrest.

Joseph

Just because he threatened his boss with a stapler and called his boss’ assistant a b**** for giving him a good review about a bad movie?

Andrew

[Andrew pauses for moment and looks to Joseph]

Well, he didn’t just threaten his boss… [He pulls out one sleeping bags and makes his way to setting it near the fire pit]


At this point, the snow has strengthened.

Joseph

[Joseph pauses until he remembers the story]

There’s nothing wrong with stalking people though. Just because he kept a file about his boss’ addresses, list of old wives and their numbers and addresses, his eating habits, what he was allergic to, what his daughters’ names are, who he’s seeing right now, his bad eyesight, his car and license plate number, where he went on vacation and which prostitute he brought with him, drugs he’s taking, how he killed his last wife and how he blamed his illegal Hispanic maid, where exactly he keeps everything at his desk, the fact that he’s left handed, his favourite movies, what exactly he has on his iPod, how much he paid for 3 doughnuts, 7 pencils, and a bundle of printer paper on a random Thursday afternoon, and knowing that they both share the same psychologist makes him a threat to society?

Andrew

[Andrew glares at Joseph]

You do know that it’s illegal and you can be prosecuted to the full extent of the law, right?

Joseph

[Joseph looks to his dad with a confused look spread across his face]

In English, dad.

Andrew

[Andrew rolls his eyes and heads back to the trunk to grab the other sleeping bag]

[he enunciates each word] You go to jail. Joe, how’d you even pass English?

Joseph

[Joseph looks away as he begins to set up the tent]

[in a not-caring voice] Who said I passed English...

Meanwhile, the snow passes quickly and hail replaces it.

Andrew

[Andrew frantically searches the trunk for umbrellas, but doesn’t find any. A frown spreads across his face]

[in a loud voice] What was that son?

Joseph

I said: The hail is so strong that we should just go home. [He runs over to his dad, but slips in the fresh mud and is pelted a few times from the hail before finding his balance, standing back up, and finishing his quick journey to his dad] Dad, did you remember to pack First Aid, umbrellas, ponchos and maybe a tarp?

Andrew

Of course I did... [short pause] … but I think I packed it in the wrong bag. This one holds… well, nothing really important… [He walks away with a few deep coughs]

Joseph

Wait, what’s in there? [He points to the bag Andrew indicated.]

Andrew

[Andrew avoids the question]

So, do you know when you’ll be going over to see your mom? [He pulls out a beer from the cooler and takes a few sips.]

Joseph

[Joseph begins to unzip the duffel bag]

She’ll be out of Rehab soon, so perhaps a month. I’ll let her cool off a bit. [He carefully pulls out the contents of the bag.] Dad, why is there a shovel in this bag?

Andrew

[Andrew belches]

Oh, that? Well, your old man is kind to the environment. So every year, I help plant potted saplings in these very woods.

Joseph

[Joseph blinks in disbelief]

Dad, I’m not as dumb as people think. Sure, maybe I wrote on my Math test that 2+4=2, or that I thought an Acronym was a type of bird, or even the time that I tried cooking and the fire marshal came to supervise it, but I know that the only time you ever go outside is to shovel the driveway, grab the mail, and curse down the Emo kid that lives down the street; all of which you tell me to do now. What’s this really for?

The hail stops, replaced by bitter cold.

Andrew

[Andrew now wears a serious look upon his face]

I’m here to bury Uncle Larry, Joseph. He died a couple days ago and he’s lying in the black garbage bag behind the warped evergreens.

Joseph

[Joseph wipes his expression off his face and replaces it with remorse]

Dad… I’m sorry. I didn’t know he died. What’d he die from?

Andrew

He was at a cheap Canadian bar, and somehow some marijuana was mixed into his beer.

Joseph

[Tears start flowing from his eyes]

[after regaining his composure] Dad, I’ve never said this before to you, Mom, Nicole, my therapist, your other ex-wife that stole half your money, or the 7 scared-straight councilors, but for Crazy Uncle Larry, I vow to stop with the meth and the coke. Uncle Larry didn’t deserve to die, except when he deserved it.
[Andrew secretly rolls his eyes at his last comment, but quickly changes his face back serious]

Andrew

Perhaps you should pay your respects before we dump out his rotting body and bury it.

Joseph

[Without saying a word, he nods and slowly walks over to the black bags]

I’m so sorry, Uncle Larry. You were a good man, put into an awful situation from border-line depression and forced from your livelihood into a world that only half accepts mentally unstable people like you.

As Joseph wraps up his somewhat awkward Eulogy, the garbage bag explodes, revealing a healthy, slightly slimy human being, known by Joseph as Uncle Larry. Joseph, caught off-guard, tumbles backward, falling butt-first into a small hole and lets out a scream.

Joseph

[Speechless, although has much to say]

Uncle Larry, what the hell?! I thought you were dead!
[Joseph continues to try and catch his breath as he allows Uncle Larry to answer]

Uncle Larry

[UL calmly dusts himself off]

This is an intervention, little Joe. Your father contacted me earlier in the week that you were having a drug problem, so I came to scare the s*** out of you!

Joseph

Two words: Mission accomplished…

Andrew

[Andrew embraces UL]

Thanks for meeting us here, Larry. I’m glad that something finally worked.

Joseph

So, Uncle Larry was lying about his whole life just so you could get me off drugs?

Uncle Larry

Oh no, all of that really happened. Speaking of which, I gotta run; the cops are bound to find me sooner or later.

Uncle Larry takes off, into the cold, evergreen-covered landscape. Andrew heads to the car, with Joseph right on his heels.

Andrew

Oh, I almost forgot. [He reaches into his pocket and pulls out Joseph’s cell phone] I’m guessing you want this for the ride home. We weren’t really going camping – I have to go to work tomorrow.

Joseph

[Joseph studies the phone before refusing it via appropriate hand gestures]

No thanks Dad. I can just listen to the radio on the way home.

And with that, Andrew revs up the car and heads home. When realizing that the radio was playing “Hit Me Baby One More Time”, Andrew starts singing to the female voice, and Joseph sings with him.